Personal Post - Snapping myself out of the doom spiral

Personal Post - Snapping myself out of the doom spiral

I participated in Hyrox Glasgow this weekend (once the dust has settled I am going to write a review of it) but on my Instagram story I wrote about how just making it to the start  line was an achievement. Below is the post I wrote 9 days out from the event which explains that post a bit more (sorry in advance because it’s a bit of a messy rant)…

What's the point in writing a blog if I'm not actually going to be real every now and again and share my frustrations (sorry that this is a bit of a rant).

Let's talk about this week, I've re-injured my hip about a week away from a Hyrox event, the first event I'm doing in a long time, so much so that this morning I could barely quicken my step to keep up with my dog on a walk let alone do a fitness race. In the 2 months of this year I've been injured or recovering in one form or another for half of it and had to modify my effort or workout, that’s after having a month off in December trying to get healthy from that original injury. My current job is kicking my ass and impacting my life outside of work significantly. I have big goals, including being a much better coach than I am now and to turn that into something successful, to build not just one but multiple businesses off of the back of it. To support the people I love and give them everything they deserve.

My inner monologue is screaming that maybe I'm just not cut out for it, maybe at 33 years old my body just can't do what I need it to anymore. Maybe my body can't support the intensity I need  to train at in order to be as quick as I want to be. Maybe my career is doomed and I have hit the ceiling of where I can go. Maybe I started too late to properly hone my craft as a coach and maybe I don't have the time to dedicate to it to for it to be what I really want it to be. Maybe my skill set is too outdated and I don't have the technical skills to make this happen. I pride myself on being unflappable but right now it's hard to hide it. Maybe the early alarms and late nights just aren’t worth it. Maybe my goals are simply unattainable.

But then again, maybe not. This is just doubt, imposter syndrome and frustration. What keeps me up at night isn't the fear of failure it's the intrigue, it's the 'What if it is still possible?' and the 'How am I going to do it?'.

Maybe I have just learned what doesn't work and need to find a better way to get these goals done because deep down I know that I have it in me. I told myself I wanted Hyrox this year to be a benchmark, the reality is I want it to be a high benchmark because smashing it out the park next year will make the pain and suffering that I know I will put myself through to get there more worth it. The reality is I want coaching to fund further qualifications, in CrossFit, Hyrox, PT, the works, I never want to stop learning and the frustration is simply that I haven't been dedicating what I should to it with the excuse that I don't have the energy. The fact is I'm coaching more and more and learning all the time.

Maybe the expectations of myself aren’t too high but the systems I put in place to achieve them aren’t at the level they need to be to match them.  Maybe my goals are unattainable and I expect to much but I would rather live a life trying to find a way to do something incredible than settling for mediocre. At the end of the day what's the point in having goals if they are easy to achieve.

 So if something's got to give then it has to be the systems not to compromise on the goals themselves. The reality is this, tonight I'm going to sit down and read the coaching notes from today's class and also review the class I coached to search for where I can improve next time. I'm going to get up at 5:15am tomorrow morning, go down to my garage and do a modified workout, still working towards my goals. I'm going to come back upstairs, get Lara (my dog) and get steps in before setting about doing all I can to achieve my goals. This weekend I am going to sit down and refocus and reassess where I am going wrong.

Maybe it’s just about getting out of my own head and doing the things I know I should be doing but find excuses not to do and maybe the imposter syndrome is going to keep me on my toes and make me better in the long run. Ultimately it's a privilege to have these worries and to put this pressure on myself, there are much worse things happening in the world, people in much worse places and even I have been in worse places that this .So how about I stop typing this rant and go about making it happen.

Sorry for the rant, as I started with, what's the point in having a blog if I'm not going to be real with you every now and again.

Andy